Saturday night I was supposed to attend my High School 40th Reunion. I was looking forward to it for months. There were many people I was excited to see. But I chickened out. Instead, I spent the night wondering why I couldn’t bring myself to go to the event.
The four years I spent in High School were incredibly painful. My top memories are:
- A suicide attempt. I was overweight and unpopular. I am still grateful to Mark W, who was at the reunion, for talking me off the proverbial ledge.
- Having an abortion. I was in love for the first time. And stupid. The father was very supportive, but went on to break my heart a year later. He was not at the reunion.
I imagined myself after a few drinks. Sinking deeper and deeper into the memories. Re-experiencing all the pain, which is as real and present now as it was 40 years ago, despite having lived a wonderful life in the intervening years.
In my heart, I am still the sad, fat, unpopular girl with a lost child and a broken heart. High school damaged me. Permanently.
So to all the folks who are disappointed I did not go, I did you a favor. I stayed home and kept my feelings to myself. Perhaps in another 10 years, my pain will be manageable, but I doubt it.